Luisana Reyes Madera



Letting Go

Light headed, nocturnal thoughts
October 20, 2023

Sipping on Valerian root tea. It is 12:23am. I should be sleeping already. I cancelled my plans to go dancing because I wanted to sleep. Because I had to. Earlier in the evening, I had slowly slipped out of bed after a nap. Carefully. Like when you sleep next to someone you love and you don’t want to wake them up. Quietly. The nap was perfect. Headphones in, guided sleep meditation, 10 mg CBD gummy. It left me unarmed. My brain rebooted for about an hour after it. Then, after I managed to put an outfit on (pleated grey skirt, black single-shoulder tank top, sheer knee-highs, tassel loafers) I started violently shaking. It was my hands at first. I attempted to line my lips (with MAC’s lipliner in Soar, apparently Jane Birkin’s go-to shade) and my fingers struggled to hold the pencil up to my face. Something felt off, so I walked to my roommate’s room. I felt as if something awful was happening to me. My shakiness migrated from my fingers to behind my right knee, under my left eyebrow, and to the pit of my stomach. I started feeling cold and clammy. I laid down on the floor and put my legs up on the wall. For a second, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, somehow distracting my attention from the situation to how nice I thought my hair smelled. She brought me 3 strawberries and a tablespoon of honey. I consumed the combo quickly, as if it were prescribed medicine — my cure. I started making a mental list of why I would feel this way. I remembered the not-so-healthy habits that have been creeping up in my life lately. Sometimes I forget, and it is almost as if journaling and meditating could really conceal today’s lack of proper meals and the ‘creative break’ cigarettes on my building’s front steps. My family's low blood pressure tendencies also made it to the list.

So now I am here, conjuring up the right mindset to fall asleep (Neroli by Brian Eno is helping). My mind is racing and my heart is about to jump out of my chest. I am connected to my body despite being sooooo in my head lately. I have been working on letting go, so I must release myself and stay present. I realized I was smitten with the idea of someone. I have been assuming and making up stories in my head while he is probably wondering what he should have for dinner, or if he turned the stove off before leaving the house. My ability to entertain myself with imagined movies with sequels and prequels to my short-lived love affairs is quite admirable, I think. A blessing and a curse. This is all-consuming, hence why I must let go. Anyway. Just silly romantic things. I am done now. Detaching. It is time for bed. No more light-headed thoughts tonight.